Eight Things You’ll Hear During All-Ireland Final Week

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“Eh, lads, I’m actually from Cork.”

IT’S getting close.

We’re coming into All-Ireland final week now so expect to see changes around the county in the next seven days.

Fingernails will be gnawed shorter, animals will get a lick of paint and the mood will be a mixture of euphoria and dread as the days go by.

Here’s eight things you’ll see and hear in the run up the trip to Dublin…

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1. Tickets, tickets, tickets…

“Christ lads, tickets were never as scarce,” is a phrase as ubiquitous as an Irish Water bill in a fireplace. It’s normally uttered by the fella who already has four in the back pocket. Might be genuine this year though on account of the Dubs being in the final.

2. Bitching about ‘Rip-Off Dublin’

“…and they’re charging €18.50 for a pint, I’m telling ya! €876 for a single room in a two star hotel 10 miles from the city centre. Feckin hoors, that’s all they are!”

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3. The poor oul exiles can’t get a ticket

First Kerry mother: “My poor son Paddy. He’s after coming all the way back from his job in a call centre in Outer Mongolia and there’s no ticket for him.

He got a flight to Kazakhstan, cycled over Russia, ran through Ukraine, got a train from Poland to France and swam from Calais to Dingle, arriving yesterday.”

Second Kerry mother: That’s awful Mary! He left it a bit late though.

First Kerry mother: “Ah, he said he’d wait for the final.”

4. Rumours about injuries

“I hear James O’Donoghue took a knock in training during the week. Yup, Shane Enright tackled him and he had to have his leg amputated below the knee.

They might bring him on at some stage though, if the high ball to Donaghy isn’t working out.”

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5. Rumours about Eamonn’s tactics

“Well, my cousin is good friends with the tennis partner of the fella who delivers heating oil to Eamonn Fitz’s dentist’s house and he told me that they’re going to play the Gooch at corner-back. Oh yeah, tis the gospel truth!”

6. People ring Radio Kerry to moan about the shortage of tickets

Jerry O’Sullivan: “And now we have Bridie on the line. Bridie you’re upset about the shortage of tickets this year?

Bridie: It’s a disgrace! Tis all the lobster sandwich brigade with their money and their sponsorship. I suppose Enda Kenny will be there with Jean Claude Trichet and that Denis O’Brien fella, the feckers!

Jerry: You must have got soaked at the Tyrone game Bridie?

Bridie: Tyrone game? I haven’t been in Croke Park since 1978!…Hello?…Jerry? Hello?

7. There was a big row in the Kerry camp

“I hear the Tralee lads are off in their own clique and won’t eat with the other boys after training. Seriously, they only eat foie gras with crubeens and say the mid-Kerry lads smell of stale turnips. Desperate carry-on.”

8. Those poor animals…

Scene: A hillside near Kenmare..

First sheep: “Holy shit Finbarr, what happened to you?

Second sheep: “That feckin eejit of an owner of ours again, trying to get in the paper by spraying me green and gold. If I could get my legs on that James O’Donoghue…

First sheep: “He missed a bit there behind your ear! Ha ha!

Second sheep: “I wouldn’t mind, but all my people are from Bantry. The shaame of it like!”

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