Orlagh Winters: I Never Realised How Grief Can Be All-Consuming

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I didn’t get it…until now that is.

I didn’t get how grief can consume your body and mind. Having recently lost my beloved father I now know what grief is and how painful it is.

I am sorry to everyone in the past that I didn’t understand just how severe grief is.

I am sorry that I didn’t get those moments that you just wanted the world to stop moving and go back to the days when your loved one was by your side.

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I am sorry that I couldn’t comprehend that you didn’t want to go for a night on the town and be happy.

I am sorry I expected you to park your feelings and forget your heartache for a while.

I am sorry that I didn’t grasp just how much you needed to be on your own for a while and that a night out, followed by a probable hangover would only add to the physical pain in your heart.

I am truly sorry!

Up until now, when a friend or an acquaintance told me about the death of someone that they had loved dearly, I gave my usual platitude and told them that I was sorry for their loss.

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Now I understand the emptiness and the void that will never be filled. So many times I have picked up my phone to ring him and to hear his voice, so many times I have said to myself “I must tell Daddy that” and the realization that I will never hear his voice again is a tough pill to swallow.

Now I have complete admiration for you all for just putting a smile on your face even though you are crumbling inside.

I have huge respect for you when you didn’t throttle that awkward customer or give the middle finger to the driver who beeped at you at traffic lights when you were lost in your thoughts and you didn’t notice the lights go green.

I know that I am not the first person to ever lose a parent and I certainly won’t be the last but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

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My father was a good man and the word that was used best to describe him when he passed was a Gentleman. He taught me a lot and I will be eternally grateful for that.

He was the first man I ever loved and was the one that I picked up the phone to when I needed sound advice. He has left an immense void in my life.

What I have learned from my own grief is to be more compassionate with others, you never know what is going on in someone’s life and they too may be just about coping.

Until next time,

Orlagh x

One Comment

  1. I too find it very hard as I lost my only Brother and Sister. Within 7 weeks .it can be so lonely ..and thoughts my Business involves entertaining it keep me going .but it can be very hard to keep smiling when your hearth is breaking .xxx