By Dermot Crean
WE’RE less than a week away from throw-in and butterflies have taken up residence in our extended tummies here at TraleeToday.ie.
All-Ireland week brings out the madness in all of us so we’ve decided to compile a few indications that final day is nearly here…
Continued below…
1. Farm Animals In Mortal Terror
The minute Jonathan Lyne slotted that score to put us three points up against Mayo, the rattle of spray cans echoed across rural Kerry and struck fear into the hearts of sheep everywhere.
For some cows, the Noughties was a humiliating time when their peers laughed as they were given a green and gold makeover almost every year. Becoming steak was an ease to them.
“Come and give your auntie Bridie a kiss!”
2. The Bed Problem
Remember Auntie Bridie? The one with the beard, smells faintly of cabbage and gives you slobbery kisses at weddings and funerals? Yeah, well she lives in Ballsbridge so suck it up and give her a call for the bed.
3. Ticket Language Made Simple
Fan No.1: “Have you a ticket yet?”
Fan No.2: “No sign yet. (Yes I have a ticket but I’m sussing out whether you have a spare better one, so I can pass on mine to my brother) What about yourself?”
FAN No.1: Not a sausage. (Yes, I have five.)
And so on.
Continued below…
“I got you now Star!”
4. Stupid Rumours
“Did you hear? James O’Donoghue has developed a club foot and Kieran Donaghy was attacked by a feral squirrel. Bit the nose off him he did!”
Shut. Up. Fools.
5. Preparation of Monday morning excuses
“Hi boss, I can’t come in today. I have bad period pain. I realise that it’s quite rare in 26 year old men but…hello? Hello?”
6. Up For The Match
“Welcome to ‘Up For The Match’ and to kick off our hour of patronising culchie hokum, here’s a toothless yokel on accordion with ‘Round The House And Mind the Dresser'”.
“Take us to your lea…actually Eamonn Fitzmaurice will do.”
7. Other news on Radio Kerry? Fuhgeddaboudit!
“…and that was the junior infants of CBS Clounalour with their views on how Kerry can combat Donegal’s defensive/counter attack strategy. In other news, a UFO crashed into the Ashe Memorial Hall today and little green men emerged to declare that their plans for world domination. Now Joe’s here with the sports…”
