By Guest Editor, Ebenezer McScrooge
And so this is Christmas. And what have you done? No, seriously what have you done with your Christmas jumper and big ’12 Pubs of Christmas’ head on ya?!
So how well do you know festive behaviour in Tralee? Here’s some conversations we overheard in town over the past couple of days. Can you guess what they’re talking about…
Cryptic Clue 1.
1. “Oh, are you heading out in that? You’ll really stand out with the reindeer motif and snow in the background! You’re soooo wacky, I bet nobody else will be wearing anything like it in town tonight! Women will fall at your feet, because it just screams ‘I’ve got an ironic sense of humour, charm and devil-may-care attitude towards life’.”
Is the person wearing:
(a) a Christmas jumper
(b) an actual reindeer
(c) something obvious and boring…same as (a) then
Cryptic Clue 2.
2. “Ok, so you pop it into a saucepan the size of a cheese vat. Pour in eight gallons of Devil’s Bit cider, some cloves, a lemon, an onion, an old boot, a Christmas tree and a small fox. Boil it for four days, pour some melted cheese, Castrol GTX and honey on it. Set it on fire and slice with a Black and Decker chainsaw while grinning inanely.”
Is this sanity-dodging miscreant talking about cooking:
(a) a Christmas ham
(b) a Christmas turkey
(c) dinner for the Italian, Swedish and Belgian football teams before they play Ireland in June
3. “Right so, we’ll meet in Hennessy’s wearing our Christmas jumpers and NO exceptions this year ‘boring’ Barry ok?! We’ll move from pub to pub, all the while getting more lairy and stupid as the more insecure alpha males among us fight for attention. We’ll bump off other people and generally annoy the shit out them with our loud boorish behaviour and finish off the night with some casual vomiting on Bridge Street.”
Are they planning:
(a) 12 pubs of Christmas
(b) training for the north Kerry championship
(c) just a regular Saturday night on the town
4. “Ok you have to help me. I need something special, gift-wrapped, kinda expensive-looking but, y’know not that dear like! Something that says ‘I like you a lot, but we’re not getting engaged soon or anything’. Shit! I shouldn’t have left it this late!”
Is this Lothario buying:
(a) a gift for the girlfriend on Christmas Eve
(b) some peace over Christmas
(c) drugs
5. Paul: “I haven’t seen you in ages bye! What you been up to in Trinity?”
Sean: “So roysh! Me and the goys are having moighty laughs going for scoops…”
Paul: “Whoa! Whoa! Sean, you’ve been in Dublin for two months. What’s the story with the accent like?
Sean: “Nooo idea what you’re talking about. And besides, the name’s Tarquin now.”
Is this:
(a) two friends catching up after being separated by college
(b) two friends about to have a fight
(c) a debacle of the highest proportions
• What with me being Scrooge and everything, there’s no prizes for getting them all right…bah Humbug!
